Changing the Mirage
Chapter 1Taylor roamed the busy sidewalks of the campus. He had officially been moved two weeks and was currently kicking himself. He had yet to show himself around at a slower pace, to become re-familiarized with the campus. He wasn’t sure how he convinced himself he had any sense of direction to not need another tour. He had taken one when he came to visit and fill out the rest of his paperwork. But that knowledge had left him before the ink on his signature of his letter of intent had dried. He bit his lip and headed toward a small group who seemed like they could give him some guidance, and save him from his terrible memory.
"Excuse me," Taylor tapped the guy’s shoulder. He turned around and was taken aback by the sight in front of him. Taylor tilted his head, taking in the tape covering his mouth. "Oh? Sorry?" he replied, his statement clearly coming out as a question. Although he couldn’t see his mouth the way his eyes lit up, he could tell he was smiling. He ran his finger over his tape covered mouth indicating he couldn’t respond with actual words. "No, I get it," Taylor shook his head. "Day of Silence," he replied, causing him to raise his eyebrow. "Long story," Taylor answered to his unspoken question. "Sorry again," he began to leave. He stopped and turned, feeling a hand on his arm. This time it was Taylor who raised his eyebrows questioningly. He watched as another smile formed behind his taped lips and took the piece of paper from Taylor’s hand. He glanced over it briefly, before giving the appropriate hand gestures to tell him which building and direction he needed to head to.
"Thank you," Taylor bit his lip, holding back a smile. He winked before taking a step back and rejoining the rest of the demonstrators. The simple act caused Taylor to smile even more. His smile quickly turned into surprise as he lost his balance, tripping and almost falling over the girl he didn’t know was behind him. "I’m so sorry," he smiled. He took another quick look back, seeing the complete laughter he was holding back on his face. He ran his hand through his hair as he proceeded in the directions that his mystery guy gave him.
As he made his way toward his new destination, he couldn’t deny the chill that went through his body at the simple gesture of a wink. It hadn’t been that long since he had felt an attraction to someone else, but it had been far too long since he’d wanted to; since he would even welcome it. He shook his head at his ridiculousness and immediately dismissed the thought. He didn’t want to feel anything for anyone else at the moment; chills or otherwise. He knew he was probably getting himself worked up over nothing. Even if he did see the guy again, who would know if the connection went any deeper than the action of a wink or the feeling of a chill? He knew he was over analyzing. Although any other time, the prospect of love he would gladly welcome. Now, he knew it better if he didn’t. He wanted some time to himself. He wanted some time to learn who he was without the attachments or responsibilities of being someone’s significant other. He had decided that it would be ‘Taylor Time’ until he felt ready to move on.
He was going to stick to that commitment.
He stopped in his tracks, looking around at where he was. In all his thoughts, he had passed the building. He turned quickly and headed back to where he actually wanted to be. He couldn’t help the slight chuckle that escaped him as he entered the building. A wink had him all turned around.
"Excuse me, can you tell me where the Harbin Building is?" a female pulled him out of his temporary, self absorption.
"Um…" he glanced around. "No," he chuckled. "I’m probably more lost than you are. Sorry."
"What are you looking for?"
"Music Theory III, room 376,"
"Well, you’re not as lost as you think. It’s right down the hall."
"Oh," Taylor turned to look in the direction she was pointing. "Thanks. And good luck finding your class."
"Thanks," she smiled before returning to her own search. Taylor glanced out the window at the large clock that sat in the middle of campus; realizing then, he still had some time to spare. He thought about pulling out his notebook to attempt to work on piecing together some of the lyrics he’d been working on recently. Or trying to get a few more pages read of the book he’d recently started, before he had to dive deep into his study’s. He decided against both noticing the large corkboards filled with flyers on them. He scanned each, reading the brief descriptions of what they were offering; needing another roommate, trying to sell a car, wanting a free tutor. He smiled to himself at some of the things people were bold enough to put on there. His eyes stopped at the yellow flyer missing a few of the tear away flaps on the bottom. It was an invitation to a free cooking class. He bit his lip before ripping one off and sticking it in his pocket. He wasn’t sure it was a good idea, but if anything it’d make his mom happy that he was giving an attempt to not eat only fast and junk food. And maybe in the process he’d meet some cool people who shared his love of food. He scanned over the board quickly again before pulling a few more random tear away tabs from different flyers. As he was sure he would enjoy the cooking class, he didn’t mind having a backup plan either. He looked down at his watch when a few people began trickling out of the room. There was still plenty of time before the class was actually supposed to begin. He felt a little odd as he was the only person waiting to get into the class.
"If this class is anything like he’s making it out to be, I’m going to have to pick a new major," a random student spoke to another classmate as they made their way passed Taylor, and down the hall. Taylor bit his bottom lip as he eyed the classroom. He let out a big sigh, grabbed a few more tear away flyers from random activities, then put on his best brave face and headed into the classroom. If the conversation was any true indication of what it would be like then he could possibly have even more spare time on his hands.
"That is not what happened!" a voice exclaimed, its sound making its way into the room and causing Taylor to look up; his eyes instantly locked with the one’s a darker shade of blue than his own. A smile began to form at the corners of the man’s mouth as soon as he saw Taylor. And this time, there was no tape to deny its existence. Taylor immediately returned the smile and broke eye contact. He didn’t want to have another physical reaction to his presence. Especially considering he had successfully convinced himself that he would never see him again. He should have known the cosmos didn’t like him enough to allow that to happen. Or they liked him too much for it not to happen. Either way, he was determined to stay the course of his newly found freedom. And besides, who was he to give himself so much credit that the universe was seeking out ways to pick on him.
"Hey," he greeted, standing at the opposite end of the counter from where Taylor was sitting.
"Hey," Taylor replied after clearing his throat.
"Did you find your class okay the other day?"
"Um…yea, I did. Thanks by the way. I ended up being super early," he chuckled slightly.
"Well, good."
"Yea…the professor seems to be a bit of a hard ass, so I’m glad I got there early instead of late."
"Oh really? I hate that. So-" but before he could finish his thought the teacher had entered the room, spouting off ‘hellos’ and instructions for everyone to ‘please be quiet’.
"Nice meeting you again," he whispered before following her instructions. Taylor exchanged another quiet smile before focusing his attention on the teacher. She was a welcome interruption from his attractive distraction.
"Okay everyone, so let’s partner up," she happily demanded. Taylor sighed looking around. He had a feeling of what his luck was about to turn into. As he looked around, everyone else already had or quickly found partners.
"Looks like we meet again,"
"Appears that way," Taylor nodded.
"We have an odd amount, if you don’t mind. If you do, I can find someone else or double up with them."
"No, no. It’s okay."
"You sure?" he bit his lip. Taylor wanted to say no; something in him screamed to say no. But his head couldn’t stop his mouth from agreeing fast enough, and he was taking the seat next to him.
"Your first assignment is to learn about your partner’s eating habits. What they like, what they dislike, what they couldn’t live without. Once you have completed that, you will need to measure out one and two thirds cup of flour and dump it into your bowl. I will come around and give you each further instructions once I’m satisfied you’ve completed your task."
"I’m Shane," he extended his hand.
"Taylor," he replied accepting it. "Nice to meet you…again."
"Same," he chortled slightly. "Although I don’t think we had officially introduced ourselves so technically it’s really our first time meeting."
"Fair enough."
"But I guess if my mouth hadn’t been taped then we could have, you know, officially met." Shane bit his lip, holding back a smile.
"It’s okay," he smiled, running his hand through his hair. "I prefer my men’s mouth to be tapped shut anyway," Taylor replied causing Shane to immediately laugh. "Um…sorry," he blushed slightly. "My favorite food is macaroni and cheese, I hate carrots and I can’t live without my dad’s Bar-B-Que." Taylor rattled off quickly, the color in his cheeks deepening the more Shane laughed. He almost couldn’t believe he had thought that, much less verbalized it. The words definitely slipped out with more comfort and ease than his tastes normally allowed.
~~~
"Can I ask you something?" Shane asked as he kneaded the dough laid out in front of him.
"Sure," Taylor shrugged.
"Um…how did you know what the ‘Day of Silence’ was?" he questioned, bringing his movements to a halt.
"Um…" Taylor bit the inside of his lip. He was silent as he contemplated exactly how to answer. He was not ‘in the closet’ by any means, but he also didn’t broadcast his sexuality to people he barely knew. It was a fine line he’d learned to walk a long time ago and his philosophy had served and protected him well.
"Are you gay?" Shane questioned softly.
"Of course he is. I could tell from down the hall and I hadn’t even seen him yet," one of Shane’s friends quipped from the table behind them, eliciting a few giggles from a few other people in his group. Taylor diverted his eyes away from Shane’s, feeling the heat of embarrassment beginning to rise up his neck and to his face.
"It’s okay," he said causing Taylor to look up at him. Taylor swallowed hard, suddenly having a case of cotton mouth. "If you are, I mean. I am," he smiled, giving a slight shrug.
"Well, that’s like telling the kid ‘water is wet’. I’m sure he figured that out before you even got into the building." Shane glared back at his friend before slowly turning his finger up to flip him off. He instantly blew him a kiss causing them both to laugh.
"That’s Rizzo. He’s an equal opportunity douche bag. Meaning-"
"He’s a douche bag to everyone equally," Taylor chuckled.
"Right."
"Got it."
"Don’t be offended by it. He’s actually a nice, gay man; not the bitter old hag he pretends to be," he winked.
"Good to know," Taylor smiled genuinely. His embarrassment was beginning to dim down slightly and his nerves beginning to calm. "I am, by the way." He spoke quietly as Shane began vigorously kneading their ball of dough again. Shane smiled slightly at his admission. Taylor decided to take it as an open invitation to continue talking. He wasn’t even sure why, but he decided that for now he wouldn’t fight against it, but go with it.
"My gaydar did go off when I spoke to you," Shane teased, holding back a smile. Taylor couldn’t help but laugh. He knew he was asking just to be polite and make conversation versus asking because he didn’t know the answer.
"I guess it is pretty obvious," Taylor shrugged, after his laughter had subsided some.
"Just teasing," he winked.
"Although yours isn’t," Taylor replied. He bit his lip, immediately regretting his decision to not think before he spoke again. "I didn’t mean it like that. I just meant…that…you know…" Taylor began talking with his hands, a nervous habit he had. He paused briefly, thinking of how to get his ass out of the predicament his mouth got him into. Taylor quickly figured out he wasn’t getting off the hook that easily when Shane raised his eyebrows expectantly, waiting for him to continue. "Um…"
"Very lovely," their teacher spoke, interrupting their silent. "You two look like you’re ready for the oven,"
"Thank God," Taylor let out a relieved chuckle before grabbing their dough, and heading to one of the unoccupied ovens. He gently placed it inside the compartment, making sure not to burn himself. "It’s just that," Taylor spun around on his heel and was instantly met by a small smile forming on Shane’s face. "I know some straight people participate in it as well and my gaydar," he made air quotes. "Didn’t go off and I didn’t want to assume."
"It’s okay, Taylor. I’m not offended that you didn’t automatically assume I was gay."
"Good. That is what I was trying to explain yet wasn’t coming out so eloquently."
"Eloquent or not, I get what you’re saying."
"Good…sometimes I don’t even get what I’m saying," he responded causing Shane to laugh.
"The confusion on your face at your…confusion. Too cute."
"Cute?" Taylor scoffed and rolled his eyes before smiling as well.
"I could think of a few more words," he leaned up against the counter, folding his arms. "But none of them would be very good…modifiers of you. So, I can’t even throw them out into the universe in good conscience."
"You could have just said ‘yes’," Taylor spoke after several seconds of staring at one another.
"I suppose I could have," Shane chortled. Taylor cleared his throat before mimicking Shane’s position against the counter. He glanced around the room and immediately did a double take at the table that occupied Shane’s friends.
"Are they staring at me or you?" Taylor questioned noticing all eyes were in their direction.
"They’re staring at you. They know what I look like."
"Well the way they're staring, they’re acting like they don’t want to forget what I look like…ever," he chuckled, trying to hide his embarrassment.
"Can you blame them?" he asked causing Taylor to look back at him. "They think you’re cute too," he whispered loudly.
"Well, um, I doubt I’m that," he chuckled nervously.
"Wow…it’s cute that you’re potentially serious right now. Nice," he nodded. "I wonder how our bread is doing," he wondered aloud, seemingly to no one in particular. He watched as he turned on the oven light and peered inside. Taylor wanted to take his eyes off of him. He wanted to look and see the progress of their loaf. But he couldn’t. He couldn’t help but take in his strong jaw line or the way his thin lips seemed to be readying themselves to form a smile. Or the way his blue eyes locked with his whenever he was speaking, making him feel like what he was saying was the most important thing in the world.
"Looking good from here," Shane spoke.
"Couldn’t have said it better myself," he mumbled, his eyes still fixed on Shane. Taylor quickly peeked inside the oven when Shane brought his gaze back to meet his.
~~~
"I’ll catch up with you guys in a minute," Shane called out to his friends as they went in one direction. He listened to their acknowledgement that they heard him before turning back to Taylor. "I had fun tonight."
"So did I," he smiled at him before quickly looking away. Something about the intensity of his stare made him unable to hold eye contact for long.
"Do you know where BB Kings Blues Club is?" he asked, trying to regain Taylor’s attention.
"No,"
"Oh…well it’s a little bluesy jazz bar, obviously, but it’s relatively close to campus. A few of us go there to hang sometimes. Maybe we can spontaneously run into each other again. It’s very chill and relaxed. I think you’d like it."
"Um…maybe, we’ll see." He replied trying not to give in to the invitation. Taylor stepped up to the curb and hailed for a cab.
"You’re taking a cab?"
"Yea."
"How far away do you live?"
"Not far," he shoved his hands in his pockets. "But I’m still trying to learn my way around the city."
"Oh. Well, maybe I could help in that task."
"Um…yea, sure," he shrugged. "Although I’m not sure why you still want to hang out with me with all the assumptions I made about you earlier, and my clear lack of a filter," he joked. Although flattered that he wanted to spend time with him, he couldn’t help but want to be standoffish. Even though the conversation was good they still had just met. The attraction aspect went without saying, but he didn’t simply want attraction.
"Like I said earlier…I’m glad you didn’t automatically assume I was. But I am glad you know now," he replied. Again the heat of embarrassment began to make its way into Taylor’s body. Although he wished it was just harmless flirting between the two of them, he couldn’t deny the attraction either. And he still had the battle in his head as to whether he wanted to explore if it were anything else outside of an attraction.
"Um…Shane I don’t want a-"
"‘Nother friend?" he questioned, interrupting him. "Look, I like to think I’m a cool guy, with cool friends; friends who are slightly obnoxious sometimes," he chuckled. "But good people. Look, you’re under no obligation to say yes or hang out with us…me. Just know that the invitation has been extended." Shane had a feeling the speech that was coming next. And although he didn’t want to press the issue with them hanging out, he also fully believed they could have a good time together.
"I may take you up on it."
"And there’s no expiration date on the offer."
"Then I’ll…probably…definitely take you up on it," he spoke slow and hesitantly.
"Then I’ll probably definitely look forward to it," he replied back smoothly.
"Okay," Taylor looked down at the ground and nodded. He’d never been more thankful for the semi darkness of the street, as it was a perfect disguise for the current rosiness occupying his cheeks. "Goodnight, Shane."
"Goodnight Taylor," he replied, opening the door as his taxi pulled up. "Talk to you soon…hopefully,"
"Definitely," he answered sliding in. He gave a small wave after Shane closed his door then quickly gave the driver his address. He did say he wanted friends so he wasn’t going to pass up this opportunity that the universe had apparently presented to him. The universe had just decided to offer him an attractive friend. He would figure it out later…maybe.
~~~
Taylor’s eyes immediately popped open at the angry vibrating of his cell phone on his night side table. He was just on the cusp of sleep when it began its untimely vibrations.
"Hi mom," he spoke sleepily.
"Hello dear," Isaac replied mockingly. He wasn’t expecting it to be him and his voice nearly startled Taylor.
"I thought you were mom," he chuckled slightly.
"Yes, I gathered that from your greeting," he replied causing Taylor to roll his eyes. Leave it to his older brother to wake him and then be such a smart ass. But he’d gladly welcome his conversation any time. "How is everything going? I haven’t talked to you since you got there. I’ve had to rely on mom to give me information…" he trailed off. Taylor didn’t really need any further explanation than that. They both knew their mother was a worry wart and would mostly likely express her fears and concerns rather than how the person really was doing.
"Everything is going great," he sighed, sitting up a little. He reached to turn on the light but thought better of it quickly; deciding rising up was as close to awake as he wanted to get his body. "I think I’m going to love my classes. I’ve found my way around campus. Now, I’m exploring and learning my way around the city. I’m becoming a pretty good navigator," Isaac immediately snickered at his statement. "What?" Taylor questioned, pretending to be genuinely surprised by his reaction.
"Have you made any friends? How are your professors?" he questioned ignoring what he deemed to be a ridiculous question from Taylor. Taylor smiled and rolled his eyes again.
"My professors are okay. Hard asses that think they’re bad asses, but never had enough talent to really make it," he shrugged despite the fact that he couldn’t see him.
"Taylor, you should tell me how you really feel. You don’t express yourself nearly well enough." Isaac spoke acting as if he were truly serious.
"Well, it’s the truth," he chuckled slightly. "And I’ve met a few people in my classes. Oh, I’m taking a cooking class too. Hopefully that will ease some of mom’s unnecessary worrying."
"Cool. Are you going to like, try out for your own cooking show? Is this something I should expect from you in the future?"
"No, it’s this class I’m taking. It’s off campus, free and to the public."
"That sounds cool."
"Yea…I met some really cool people in there too."
"Really?"
"Yea," he replied picking at the fuzz balls on his comforter. "I met a guy…kind of…I think."
"You think you met him or did you actually meet him?"
"No…we actually officially met. I unofficially met him on my first day on campus," he smiled to himself, remembering their conversation over the semantics of their meeting.
"Uh huh, what’s his name?"
"Shane."
"Is he gay?" he asked slowly.
"Yes," he answered his tone matching the same tone Isaac used.
"Is he cute?"
"No," Taylor bit his lip.
"Okay," he replied. Taylor sighed quietly to himself. He already knew the next question and dreaded it.
"Is he hot?"
"Yes," he sighed more loudly this time.
"Why doesn’t that surprise me?" Isaac tittered.
"I know what you’re thinking and it’s not that!"
"Okay," he replied disbelievingly.
"It’s not," he defended.
"I’ll give you six weeks before you start dating or have a serious interest in him."
"Ike-"
"And it’s okay Taylor," he interrupted him. "Really. It is. I know part of the reasons you went there. You wanted a fresh start. You wanted to find yourself. Blah, blah, blah. And I know you’ll try to talk yourself out of something really good because you have some fucked up mentality that you only deserve shit and assholes. I get it. Okay, no…I don’t get why you think that. But I know you think that way. If you figure out you like this guy, and you can have something good then don’t run from it. That’s all I’m saying. Now…what else have you been up to?" he questioned.
"I signed up for Ultimate Frisbee," he smiled, deciding to allow the previous topic to go. He knew there was no point in arguing or debating. Isaac knew him too well anyway.
"You? You signed up for Ultimate Frisbee?"
"Yea, I think it’ll be fun."
"You? The man who has not one athletic bone in his body?"
"Yes me. And I have a few athletic bones."
"Have you forgotten you’re gay?"
"Fuck you," he laughed.
"We’re brothers and I don’t go that way."
"Goodnight Ike," he replied still through laughter.
"Night Tay," he disconnected the call and placed his phone back on the table beside his bed. He slid back down on his back and allowed Isaac’s words to replay in his head. He had a knack for picking and attracting all the right scumbags. He couldn’t help but question why this time wouldn’t be any different…except there was something different. Even in the short few hours they’d spent together, he could tell he was different. He didn’t put any pressure or try to talk him into his company. He was polite and cool and he felt comfortable around him; like he could be himself. The person he was trying to find. But how could he be himself when he wasn’t even sure he knew who that was?
"Thanks for waking me up, Ike," he spoke out loud to himself. He rolled over and nestled into his pillow. He didn’t want to think about Shane. He didn’t want to think about Isaac’s words. At that moment, the only thing he wanted was sleep. He took a deep breath and willed the restful slumbers to take over him.