The End of Forever
Chapter Two: The World Keeps SpinningPenelope's head fell to the side, knocking into the glass of the door beside her in her older brother's car. Her eyes fell closed, but she wasn't about to get any sleep. She'd spent the whole red-eye flight thinking about her dad, about her family. What she would say to them, how she could even begin to apologize for being away for so long. In a way, she felt like she'd let them down. That, if she hadn't been off chasing stars that were never meant to be caught, none of this would have happened.
Ezra's voice, low and barely audible over the sound of tires on pavement, tried to comfort her. "He's excited to see you."
I bet he is, Penelope couldn't help but think wryly. Because he hasn't seen me in two years.
She didn't open her eyes as she felt the car slowing down. Ezra got off the highway and started navigating them through the streets that would, eventually, lead them straight to the house in which she'd spent most of her life. She wanted to go home, wanted to see her family, but she knew this wasn't going to be some big happy family reunion. None of them were dense to the underlying meaning behind the visit.
"How bad is it?" She dared to ask, keeping her eyes clenched closed. She could hear the movement of her brother, could feel his eyes on her for the briefest moment. He wasn't sure he wanted to tell her almost as much as she wasn't sure she wanted to know. But it was going to happen whether they liked it or not. They were going to get to the house, she was going to see him, she was going to know. She wanted to be prepared. Ezra had, apparently, gone through the same thought process because he finally started to speak.
"He's really weak," he explained and Penelope sniffed against her burning nose. She didn't want to cry. Not yet. She hadn't even seen him yet, hadn't stepped in through the front door of her childhood home, hadn't seen how much things had changed, how life had gone on without her. It was those things, she knew, that were supposed to make her emotional. She didn't want to cry before she'd even seen the worst of it. "He's depressed again, too. He doesn't really do anything, and he doesn't really talk much anymore, either."
Penelope bit her bottom lip and opened her eyes to stare out the window beside her, at all the buildings and houses that she'd grown up around. They were near and growing nearer. The knot of fear in her stomach tightened. "I don't think I can do this, Ez."
From the corner of her eye, she saw Ezra turn his head to look at her. "Can't do what?" He asked, when his eyes refocused on the road. "Can't go back home?"
"I can't--" she stopped herself, unsure of what the answer even was. She couldn't go home? But she already was. Sitting in the car with her older brother, navigating the streets of Broken Arrow, she was already home. There was no reason, other than fear, to avoid seeing the rest of her family. There was no turning back; this was her life now. There was really only one thing she could admit. "I don't want to see him like this."
With a little trepidation in his own movements, Ezra reached across the console to grab his sister's hand as he stopped at a four-way, the last before they turned down the street on which their parents lived. He squeezed her hand and looked at her until she turned to face him. In his eyes, Penelope saw the same fear and apprehension she'd been feeling since her mother had called her a mere hours before. He swallowed and Penny could see an extra moisture in his eyes that she was sure hadn't been there when they'd first embraced at the airport.
"We need you here," he said, as though his sister was about to demand he turn around and take her back to the airport. "I need you here."
The strong emotion in Ezra's voice tugged at heart strings within Penelope that she wasn't even aware she still had. The two of them had always been close, and he'd always been her biggest supporter. She regretted having not called him nearly as much as she should have while she was in California. In response, she nodded and tightened her grip on his hand, pulling in a deep, calming breath.
"I'm just scared," she said, knowing that as soon as the car started moving again, they'd be there, she'd be back, and she'd have to face the reality that her father was dying, that the only family structure she'd ever known was falling apart.
"I'll be right there with you," he promised, his older brother tone coming back, the anxiety he'd been showing her only moments before already gone.
There was no way to still time, no chance at keeping the world from continuing to spin on its axis as Ezra's car started moving forward, slowly, as hesitant as they both felt. Before Penelope could get her bearings together, they were sitting on front of the two story brick house that held as many memories as Penny could stuff into her memory bank.
This place was home to her, untainted by the unpleasantness of the rest of the world. This was where they'd always returned, where they retreated when the rest of the world was too much to handle. And now, inside these walls, was a new story. The story of a dying father and husband, of a family shaken by something out of their control. Penelope knew that as soon as she entered through that front door, this house would have a different meaning, entirely. It would never feel the same as it had growing up.
Together, Penelope and Ezra walked up the cobblestone walkway to the front door of the inviting house. There was no need to knock, so they merely paused on the front porch before opening the door, trying to silently calm and comfort each other. Even though Ezra had been around when the news broke, and had seen enough of his family to know how they were all handling it, he was sure he was just as nervous as his little sister walking into the situation blindly.
They stood in front of the door collecting themselves until they could put it off no longer. Ezra turned the knob and pushed the door open, stepping to the side to allow Penelope the first entrance. She took a deep breath and stepped inside, the rubber soles of her sneakers scuffling over the linoleum tile in the doorway as she made an abrupt stop.
She knew she'd have to see him eventually, but she didn't realize that her father would be the first person she'd see upon stepping through the front door for the first time in two years. Behind her, she faintly detected the sound of the door clicking closed and the sound of her older brother's scuffling feet coming to a stand behind her. She felt his hands on her shoulders as she stood gaping at her father.
The drapes were open, letting the sun illuminate the front room with the bright spring sun. At the far side of the room sat Taylor's grand piano. The sun played off of the shiny black surface, dancing in shapes of misshapen triangles. But what stood out to Penelope was her father sitting at the bench, his hands folded in his lap and his shoulders hunched over they black and ivory keys.
He was thin and frail, like Ezra had lightly warned. Penelope could practically see the bones of his back beneath the thin t-shirt he was wearing. His hair was thinner than she could remember it ever being, and darker at the roots than at the tips. He didn't move a muscle as she stood observing him; it was almost as though he were already dead. The life and essence of the man she knew seemed to be completely gone, nothing but a ghost of memories for her to sift through.
As Penelope stood gaping at her father, taking in all of the changes that had occurred in what felt like a short amount of time, Natalie came in from the kitchen, having heard the front door close. Penny turned her gaze to her aging mother, briefly, by way of greeting, but she couldn't tear her eyes away from her father for long. It was heartbreaking -- more heartbreaking that she thought it would be -- but it was, somehow, okay, too.
Natalie crossed the living room quickly and, pulling Penelope away from Ezra's hands on her shoulders, wrapped her daughter in a tight hug. Together, they rocked back and forth on their feet for several silent minutes. With her chin against her mother's shoulder, Penelope could feel the pulse skipping just beneath Natalie's skin. It had always been a comfortable thing, feeling her mother's heartbeat, but at that moment, Penelope resented it. She didn't want to feel her mother's heartbeat so strong, when she was sure that her father's was so weak. It was unfair.
"I'm so glad you're here," Natalie murmured, petting Penelope's head and pushing down her hair. Her hands came to rest on her face, palms flat against Penelope's cheeks, and she locked her eyes on her daughter's.
There were so many things Penny wanted to say -- apologies to offer, greetings to give -- but her throat was tight, and she knew the first word she spoke was going to come with a river of tears, and she wasn't ready to cry yet. She wasn't prepared to show her hand of emotions so early. Instead, she nodded at the sentiment, hoping that her mother would understand.
With a deflected smile on her face, Natalie stepped away from her children and toward Taylor. As she moved, Ezra put his hands back on Penelope's shoulders and leaned in close from behind. "He's not as bad as he looks," Ezra whispered a reassurance with a tightened grip of his fingers.
It was hard for Penelope to believe that, though she wanted to so very badly. She wanted to take back the past two years of her life, maybe more. She wanted to take back every hurtful thing she'd said in resentment, every petty argument she'd ever had with either of her parents. She wanted to go back in time, make it stop at a time when things were perfect. Though she'd never ever considered her life to be perfect, she could see now that there had been times when it was as close as it would ever be.
Penelope watched as her mother glided across the room to her father, still hunched over the piano. Her hand went to Taylor's shoulder, and he barely flinched. "Penny's here," she said softly, soothingly, as though talking to a wild animal.
Penelope swallowed as, slowly, her father twisted his head around to look at her, still standing in the doorway. His eyes that she'd always been jealous of simply for the depth of their blue, were dull and gray, practically lifeless. Bloodshot. The crows feet around his eyes had deepened and matched the lines around his mouth. He looked withered and worn, beat down. The gaze he bestowed upon her was haunting, and she visibly shivered from her place in the doorway.
Knowing that she wasn't about to make the first move, Ezra gave her a little nudge, pushing her into the living room toward their father. His eyes stayed locked on hers and, though it was nerve-wracking and uncomfortable, Penelope didn't dare break eye contact with him. As she approached his bench, he reached out a hand to her, and her heart skipped a beat as she took it in both of hers and knelt down before him.
"Hi, Daddy," she whispered, unsure of what she was supposed to say. It had been so long, there was so much to talk about, but none of it was the time nor the place. But then, would she ever have the chance to tell him about how her skin sparkled under the lights of Los Angeles, or the way she thought of him every time she passed someone standing on the street with a guitar and a top hat full of change? She didn't want to tell him about things like pulling double shifts stashing secret money way in a tampon box, but something told her that even if she did tell him, he'd understand. He'd still be proud of her, regardless.
"Baby."
It was one word, but it was the release of all of the tears she'd been holding back all day. The first tear on her cheek was wiped away by Taylor's thumb, but the rest were left untouched as she pushed her way into his arms and he held on to her until there were no more tears to cry.
-----
With her fist clenched in the back of his shirt, Penelope descended the stairs to the basement-turned-rec-room behind her older brother. From the door at the top of the stairs, she'd been able to hear the steady beat of drums thump-thump-thumping. Ezra had explained that it was a great way to get out all of the frustration and anger about the situation. Penelope, though she'd never really experimented with many instruments, could understand. She had her own ways of coping, like her brothers and uncles did when they picked up instruments.
At the bottom of the stairs, Ezra and Penelope found their youngest brother, Viggo, as the cause for the smashing noise of the drum set, and their other younger brother, River, sitting on the floor in the corner with a guitar in his lap, strumming away thoughtlessly.
Ezra cleared his throat loudly to be heard over the drums, and both of the brothers looked their way. Faintly, Penelope smiled at the excitement she saw on River's face as he quickly set the guitar aside and stood up, closing the space between them to wrap her in a welcoming hug. She hugged back with a small laugh, her voice still thick from the crying she'd done earlier with their father. "I missed you, too," she murmured, hoping she was out of tears for a while. She'd done all the crying she wanted to do for a while.
From over River's shoulder, Penelope looked over to see Viggo glaring at her. When their eyes locked, he threw the drumsticks in his hands across the room and stood up, knocking the stool over in the process. Startled, Penelope pulled away from River just in time to watch Viggo storm passed them and up the stairs, slamming the door as he left.
"Wh--" Penny stopped herself and stared, wide-eyed, between her other two brothers. "What did I do?"
"It's not you," River reassured her, wrapping an arm around her waist to pull her into a sideways hug. She sighed into the comfortable embrace and did the same with Ezra, pulling him to the other side so that she was sandwiched between the two. "He's just mad about…"
Penelope chewed on her bottom lip for a minute, watching River as he trailed off. "About Dad?"
There was a flicker of sadness that shown in River's eyes when she said it, and he nodded, averting his gaze to a spot on the wall across the room. Penny didn't want him to cry. If River cried, or Ezra for that matter, she was sure to be close behind, and she'd already cried enough for both of them in her father's arms.
Wordlessly, with an arm wrapped around the waist of both of her brothers, Penelope led them to the couch across the room, adjacent to the drum set. They disentangled themselves to clear it off the clutter of notebooks, small instruments, and….dirty socks?
"You guys are disgusting," she said, pointing at a sock poking out between the back of the couch and a cushion. "I'm not touching that."
"I think it's Viggo's," River declared, "so I'm not touching it either."
"Such a slob," Ezra commented, being the brave older brother and using an ink pen to dislodge it from the corner in which it was tucked away, and flung it across the room. It landed on the floor next to the stairs, which was good enough for the three of them.
When the couch was cleared, Penelope took a seat in the middle. Ezra sat sideways with his back against the arm, but Viggo crowded in right next to her, laying his head on her shoulder. With her brothers around her, Penelope could feel herself relaxing, and she realized just how exhausted she was. She'd pulled a double at work the day before, fought with Tony about money, stayed up half the night worrying about him, had gotten the call from her mother and flown directly out to Tulsa, had cried in her father's arms, and now she sat with her brothers in the basement of her childhood home, not knowing exactly what she was supposed to say or do to fix anything. She wanted to sleep, but she couldn't see her mind actually shutting off long enough to do so.
"How's Los Angeles?" River asked, breaking the silence after several minutes. He lifted his head, watching his sister as she began to sputter for an answer.
Finally, she sighed with a shrug. "It's just another city."
"Mom said you're dating…what was his name?"
Penelope raised her eyebrows at her younger brother, biting back another sigh. "Tony?" She offered, and River nodded in recognition. "Yeah, I'm…I'm still dating him." But she wasn't sure why. She couldn't believe she was wasting her life away with a man like him and neglecting her family back home in Tulsa.
At the top of the stairs, the door opened and Natalie's voice called down. "River, are you still down there?"
"Yeah, Mom," he called back immediately, a frown taking over the otherwise apathetic features of his face. "I'm down here."
"Can you come up for a minute?" She asked and Penelope could tell just how strained her voice was. "I want to talk to you."
River sighed as he immediately stood. When he was up the stairs, Ezra spoke.
"Did he do that to you?"
Confused, Penelope turned her head to her older brother. "Hmm?"
Without any hesitation, Ezra touched the tip of his fingers to a spot just under Penny's left eye. "Tony," he murmured a his little sister flinched at the touch. She pulled away from his hand and covered her cheek with her palm.
She hadn't even realized there'd been a visible mark, and she chided herself for not checking sooner. She wondered how bad it was, wondered if her whole family had seen it and what they were thinking about it and her for allowing it to happen. Defensively, she crossed her arms over her chest. "Things are just not good right now," she claimed, "but we'll get through it because we love each other."
Ezra didn't respond, but he stared at his sister until Penelope felt her skin crawling underneath the intense gaze. Feeling judged and put out, she quickly stood up and, with her back to Ezra, said, "I'm exhausted. I think I'm going to go take a nap."
"Sweet dreams," Ezra called softly as Penelope climbed back up the stairs with tears once again in her eyes, but for a completely different reason this time.
-----
As soon as Penelope laid down in her old bed, in her own room, she crashed. As though she were truly living a flashback, she dreamed of the way things used to be. She dreamed of nights up late on a tour bus, traveling across the country. She dreamed of open textbooks, surrounded by her brothers and their mother. She dreamed of Max, the cocker spaniel they'd adopted when Penelope was around six. There was nothing about Tony, or Los Angeles, or her sick father in her dreams. It was just the way things were, when things were normal.
When she woke up, her room was dark. She reached over to the nightstand beside the bed for her phone and held down the button to turn it on, having not turned it back on since she was made to turn it off for her flight. It jingled its tune at her as it came to life, and then the screen illuminated and she saw that it was nearing midnight already. She wasn't sure how long she'd slept, but it surely wasn't enough. And then, after everything had loaded, her phone showed eighteen new voicemails and twenty-seven new text messages. She presumed to know exactly where they'd all come from, too.
"Jesus, Tony," she mumbled, opening her inbox and confirming her suspicions. She flipped through a few of them, and then deleted them all when she realized they all pretty much bore the same message. He was pissed off that she'd left in the middle of the night, pissed off that she didn't take him with her, pissed off that she had enough money to fly to Tulsa at last minute, but not enough to pay the rent.
"We could take care of him for you," a voice rose from the dark and Penelope jumped, the phone slipping from her fingers and dropping to the carpeted floor. As she focused her eyes through the dark, she found two faces emerge from the dark. The faces of her two brothers, Ezra and River.
"You assholes," she gasped, sitting up in bed, the blanket that had been draped over her slipping down her thighs as she stretched. "What are you doing in here?"
"Waiting for you to wake up?" River offered, and Ezra added, "we thought you'd wake up much sooner."
The answer didn't quite quell Penny's curiosity, but she patted the bed beside her, anyway, offering a more comfortable place to sit than on the floor in the dark. Neither of her brothers hesitated in getting up and crowding in around her. River climbed around her and laid down next to the wall while Ezra took the place on the other side of his little sister. Smiling softly to herself, Penelope let herself lay back down, sandwiched between the two of them in the bed that was not made for three people, but it worked. The closeness brought comfort.
"Why were you guys waiting for me to wake up?" She finally asked as her eyes started feeling heavy again, and she was afraid she'll fall asleep without getting an answer.
"We wanted to spend more time with you," River said, as though it were the most obvious answer in the world.
"But why?"
"It's been two years," Ezra reasoned, "do we really need a reason?"
Once more, guilt flooded through Penelope's veins, until she felt River roll over to his side and peer down at her. "Remember what Dad used to say?" He asked, and Penelope did remember, but she wasn't going to be able to repeat it. Her throat was already constricting, tears filling her eyes. River didn't seem to need her approval to finish. "If you're going to be suffocated by people, it may as well be family."
Penelope sniffled and then laughed at herself. She felt so silly, getting so emotional over some silly saying from years ago that she hardly remembered until her younger brother had brought it back up. But, as soon as the thought came, it passed, and she realized it wasn't about the saying at all. It was something a lot deeper.
"I missed you guys," she said, and immediately felt two sets of arms wrap around her.
She fell back to sleep just like that, in the arms of comfort and love and family. She fell asleep knowing, for the first time in a long time, that when she woke, she'd still feel like she was right at home.