“So, you’re the new groupie?”
I stammered, feeling my cheeks burn, as I shook his hand. River nudged me hard, and the push seemed to shake loose the block on my mouth.
”Um, I’m Zac. I’m not, I mean…” Tommy laughed, shaking his head.
” Tommy.” You’ve been at our last few shows, right?” I nodded, mentally kicking myself for staring up at him all those times, grinning like a… well, a groupie, I supposed.
”I saw you at the battle of the bands a few weeks ago. You guys are amazing. You should’ve won.” I tried to sound calm, but my words sounded silly to my ears. But Tommy just smiled, fishing a pack of cigarettes out of his back pocket.
”Thanks… yea, I thought we were going to, but hey, that’s the biz. Join me for a smoke?” I nodded, following him a few steps before even remembering River; I turned, but he smiled and waved me off, giving me a wink that made my seemingly permanent blush deepen. I followed Tommy out a side door; he leaned against the brick wall of the building, a cigarette already hanging from his lips. He lit it and took a long drag, before holding it out to me. I took it carefully, hating the way my hands trembled, and took a small drag myself; I’d smoked once or twice, and I was thankful that I knew enough not to embarrass myself.
”So, you from around here?” Tommy asked, taking the cigarette back.
”No, I go to school here. NYU. I’m from Oklahoma…” I’d never felt ashamed of my home, until that moment. I almost wish I had lied, told him I was from New York, or California, or anyplace cooler than the midwest. But he just smiled, nodding his head.
”That’s cool; I went there for a while. Didn’t exactly finish, though; dropped out my junior year to join the band,” he added, nodding his head towards the building. I nodded, not sure what to say; I felt awkward, actually talking to the man I’d been admiring for the last month. We passed the cigarette back and forth in silence for a while, and strangely, it was comforting.
It was a bit strange, seeing Tommy up close, without the glaring stage lights washing out his features. I tried to be subtle as I looked him over, memorizing the lines of his face, the color of his eyes, the way the corner of his mouth seemed permanently curled into an ever-so-slight smirk. I wondered what he looked like without the makeup, although I didn’t mind him with it. It suited him, somehow.
”So, what’s your major?” His voice startled me out of my thoughts, his smirk suggesting he caught me staring.
”Um, art. Photography.” Tommy grinned.
”Yea, I saw your camera at the battle. Get any good shots of me?” I smiled at his smirk and his playful tone, and nodded.
”Yea, a few.” I didn’t feel like telling him that by ‘a few’ I meant a dozen. He laughed lightly, tossing the spent butt and shoving his hands in his pockets.
”Well listen, I gotta catch up with the guys, but we’re playing Delancey’s next weekend. Maybe I’ll see you there?” I tried to hide my excitement, but I had a feeling it showed anyway.
”Yea, sure. Definitely.” Tommy smiled, looking away for a moment, seemingly in thought.
”Alright, cool,” he replied, heading for the door. He looked back just before going inside, though, and my breath caught again.
”See ya round, Zac.” With one last smirk, the door closed behind him. I stood there for a moment, before leaning on the wall, where he’d just been. Making sure no one was looking my way, I finally allowed the ear-to-ear grin I’d been suppressing to break free. Tommy had actually asked me if I would be at his next show; his tone had even implied he hoped to see me there. I giggled to myself at how silly I was being, allowing myself a momentary geek-out.
”Star-struck, much?” I jumped at the sound of River’s voice, suddenly right beside me. Catching my breath, I smirked at him as he stood next to me, one arm braced against the wall by my shoulder. I nodded, replaying the short conversation over and over in my head, trying to remember every detail. The sound of his voice echoed in my ears, my name coming from his lips again and again, sounding better every time.
”Zac? Zac…” A hand gently brushing my cheek drew my attention back to reality; River was watching me with an amused smirk, as he softly touched my face. I felt guilty for ignoring him again, and was about to apologize, but something in his eyes stopped me. I watched as his smile fell away, his eyes moving over my face. As excited as I was about talking to Tommy, River was taking over my conscious once more, as he stepped a fraction closer. I bit my lip nervously, feeling the tension between us that we’d both been trying so hard to ignore.
I thought I saw him move his face just a bit closer, but before I could be sure, he pulled away, slowly taking a step back. I let out a small sigh, whether from relief or disappointment, I wasn’t sure. He looked up at me through his lashes, the playful smile back, but not as sincere as usual. He nodded towards his car and started walking, and I followed him wordlessly.
The ride back to the dorms was awkward at first, but with the radio on, we started joking around, laughing easily. We stayed up for a while, playing Halo and eating leftover pizza, the tension from before mostly forgotten. As I lay in my bed, listening to my roommate’s breathing, I replayed all the night’s events, searching for meaning. Had Tommy just been talking to a fan, or was he actually looking forward to seeing me? And what was happening between me and River? Sleep didn’t come easily that night, my dreams involving a pair of mismatched eyes; one deep brown, the other, a steely blue.
”So, Zac, Halloween costume. Any ideas yet?” I looked up from my book; River was just coming out of the shower, towel around his waist. I blushed and smiled, looking away, thinking about his question.
”No, not really; I haven’t really celebrated it in a while. It’s really more of a kid’s thing back home.” River gasped, shaking his head at me.
”You’re kidding? I haven’t missed a year yet! You gotta dress up, man, there’s gonna be parties everywhere.”
”I guess I could… What do you think I should do?” River grinned at me eagerly.
”I get to pick your costume?” I felt a tinge of nervousness, but I couldn’t resist River’s smile.
”Sure. Go ahead.”
”Awesome. Okay, let’s see. I’m thinking something kinda nerdy, but kinda sexy, too. Hmm…” I laughed and shook my head, turning back to my book. I had a feeling I would regret handing this decision over, but I trusted him.
”Yea, right. Sexy,” I muttered under my breath. Apparently I hadn’t been quiet enough, though.
”What’s wrong with sexy?” I looked over at River again; he was watching me curiously, head tilted in a surprisingly adorable way. I sighed heavily.
”I’m just… not the sexy type.” River was silent for a minute, his lips turned into a slight frown.
”Says who?” I shrugged, rolling onto my side to face him.
”I don’t know; me, I guess.” I started to feel embarassed, as River stared at me from across the room. I watched him carefully as he got up and came closer, sitting next to me on my bed. I looked away, picking at a piece of lint on my blanket; I could still feel his eyes on me, though.
”Zac,” he started softly. “You really don’t know, do you?” His voice held a tone of surprise and amusement, as if I was missing something painfully obvious.
”Know what?” I asked, not looking up at him. I heard him sigh, and my curiosity got the better of me. He was still watching me, a soft, almost sad smile on his lips.
”How great you are. How attractive you are. Do you have any idea how many guys have told me how lucky I am to have you for a roommate? How many people, guys and girls, have asked me to introduce them to you? How many people wish…” He trailed off, his cheeks turning pink; he swallowed hard and looked away before continuing. “How many people wish they could be with you?”
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I was never the popular guy; sure, I had a few friends, but I was never sought after, by either gender. But what shocked me more was what River was leaving unsaid. I felt that line again; River was taking another step closer, and waiting for me to either follow, or back away.
I swallowed hard, my heart thumping against my ribs. I looked down at River’s hand, resting on the bed by my side; I lifted my own shaking hand, hesitating for just a moment before placing it on his. I was too terrified to look him in the eyes; we were treading dangerous ground, the line growing thinner and thinner. I held my breath, waiting for any kind of reaction.
Slowly, River brushed his thumb against mine. I began to breathe again, however shallow and broken each breath came. I lifted my eyes to his, and saw my fears reflected back at me, as well as a carefully guarded hopefulness. River’s lips curled up just a fraction, but it was enough. I smiled back, hopefully reassuringly, as I returned the gentle touch. After a minute, River pulled his hand away slowly; I wasn’t used to seeing him act shy, but it was cute.
”So, about that costume…” he started, getting up slowly. We started throwing ideas back and forth, trying to find something simple but awesome. Well, he threw ideas out, and I either nodded or shook my head, enjoying watching him pace back and forth as he talked. In my mind, all I could see was his eyes watching me, as we’d come closer than ever to expressing things that so far had been left unsaid. We were both nervous, not wanting to ruin our friendship, but I trusted him. Thanks to River, I was beginning to feel more at home than I ever had in Sparks; comfortable, safe, wanted.